So as predicted, I did read When Breath Becomes Air in 2 days. And I do agree with the profound praise that the book has received: it is quite a remarkable read.
The book is the memoir of Paul Kalanithi, a young, talented Stanford neurosurgeon who goes from physician to patient when he discovers that he has stage IV lung cancer. But the book certainly isn't just that simple and it isn't just a recounting of his treatments and coping with the disease. It tells of his early studies and of how Paul decided to pursue neurosurgery even though he majored in literature. He explains his assessment that literature provides the rich account of human existence and that it would provide him with the tools to fully understand the pivotal question: what makes human life meaningful? It is a question/phrase that is used many times throughout the book and is certainly the crux that guided many of Paul's choices in life. And after graduation from undergrad, Paul comes to see that medicine will allow him to have direct experience with "meaning, life, and death," which literature cannot provide.
But it turns out that his diagnosis and facing his own mortality helps him understand these issues better than he ever did by removing a brain tumor or counseling patients and families who were suddenly faced with life and death situations and decisions. While he is clear that death was never something that he disacknowledged and that it was an ever-present topic during his medical studies and practice, knowing that he had a much more limited amount of time than expected put a significant shift in how he viewed his own mortality, and more importantly, his own humanity.
The book ends somewhat abruptly, and the epilogue by Paul's wife Lucy helps to explain the circumstances of his death, pursuing the completion of the book, and sharing her perspective of their relationship and his disease. While I was reading the book and the epilogue, it was strange too because I remember a lot of the stuff that Lucy had posted on Facebook while it was happening. I actually went back to look at posts and stuff from that time. And while the book ended around the time that Lucy and Paul's daughter was born, I knew that Paul had lived for a while after that (around 8 months), recalling that they had been chosen as part of a charity event to attend the Superbowl in Arizona in 2015 (as we all cheered on the Seahawks); Paul passed away about a month afterward. So the abrupt ending to the book probably meant that Paul only managed to write up through his daughter's birth.
The book is definitely cerebral and I think I appreciated the philosophical, biological, and literary examination of existence even more because I am also someone who works in science but is a fanatic lover of literature, and who also has aspirations of being a writer (at least in a different context than what my day job is). So maybe my take away should be a parallel: what am I waiting for? How do I know that I even have enough promised time to make it happen?
I would very much recommend the book and really think that it should be required reading for new medical students. There is so much reflection on understanding one's motivation and calling to be a physician in spite of the extraordinary rigors and life sacrifice it requires (Paul initially talks with a bit of resentment about how his father, a physician, was so often absent in his life, but then goes on to make exactly the same decision). But Paul also makes effective communication and empathy with his patients his focus of paramount importance, even though it was easy to get wrapped up in the other empty formalities of being a physician and lose sight of the patient as priority (a particularly poignant anecdote brings this concept home: a fellow resident was assigned to a 9 hour pancreatic cancer resectioning surgery after being up all night, which ended up being cancelled due to the discovery of metastases, and the resident is relieved about the cancellation, but realizes that her relief means something terrible for the patient).
While I never met Lucy's husband, his evaluation of life and death and its meaning and how he pursued them with aplomb during his too-short life was exceptional. It would have been wonderful to read more from such a talented writer and scholar, but we are certainly fortunate to have this book, which is profound, yet life-affirming.
So. Up next. Dare I do it...is Ulysses. The main reason is that the only other list book that I have in my possession is Macbeth. So it's a toss up at this point. I have 3 other non-list books that I could read, but I figure that since I have the time off, it might be a good beast to just dig into now. So we'll see how this goes. While I don't necessarily like reading 2 books at once, I may have to shift to others if this becomes a struggle (I'm having flashbacks to the agony that was Moby Dick). Wish me luck.
Saturday, December 10, 2016
Tuesday, December 6, 2016
"I'm Not Afraid Of Seeing Cordelia. I'm Afraid Of Being Cordelia. Because In Some Way We Changed Places, And I've Forgotten When"
Cat's Eye is immediately a book I wished I would have read during a college lit class. And maybe I say that because I have the remnants of reading The Robber Bride in a class that I mentioned previously. But in this case, it's because there is just so much. So much imagery, so many themes, so many very interesting ways in which the main character unfolds that I would have just loved to have talked through with others.
The novel is about Elaine, a fairly well-regarded painter now in her late 40s (or maybe early 50s...I don't think it was ever specifically stated) who has come back to her hometown of Toronto for a gallery retrospective of her work. The story goes back and forth between Elaine's current time in Toronto preparing for the exhibition and her childhood in the 1940s, where she grew up with a father who was an entomologist and whose mother took care of her and her older brother, and who don't necessarily represent the typical 1940s family. Therefore, Elaine was a bit different than other children, spending summers in the Canadian wilderness for her father's insect studies.
The main stories Elaine recounts of her childhood around the age of ~10 years old were that of her "friendship" with 3 other girls: Grace, Carol, and Cordelia. The 3 girls, however, were responsible for significant emotional abuse of Elaine. They criticize her every move for not being correct or good enough (and I mean every single thing she says, does, wears, etc) and report back to each other to "punish" her, all the while assuring Elaine that it's because she is their friend and they want to help her. They even trap her in a grave-like hole in the ground. (I knowingly admit that I haven't done a remotely adequate job of explaining how terribly the 3 girls treated Elaine, but trust me, it wasn't just mundane poking fun). All of this results in Elaine becomes a shell of a person: she feigns sickness all the time, she faints on command, she picks at her cuticles and pulls off the skin on her feet so she can hardly walk, and she truly believes that she is worthless, as she is constantly told. And while all 3 girls are culpable, Cordelia is the one who is certainly the ring leader. The abuse comes to a head when Cordelia throws Elaine's hat into a ravine that the children are forbidden to go into, and when Elaine goes to retrieve her hat, falls into the river and nearly freezes to death.
This is a turning point for Elaine though, as she suddenly realizes that she doesn't have to do what Cordelia and the other girls tell her to and that there was never anything about herself that needed to be improved; that it was, in a way, a game to the girls. Long after, Elaine realizes that it was really Cordelia who was the one experiencing the loneliness, weakness, and fear that she subjected Elaine to, stemming in part from her own family issues, particularly with her father.
Elaine spends much of the rest of her life - her relationships, her college studies, her career - recovering from these events, and in many ways, she becomes the aggressor. She becomes Cordelia. Her life continues to intersect with Cordelia at multiple times during high school and after. Cordelia, who fails out of school, attempts suicide, and is institutionalized for mental problems. And Elaine is cruel to her, and acknowledges this, and knows that she has guilt and remorse for how she is treating Cordelia, but she can't retract it or even understand why she is doing it. Similarly with her first husband, she is cruel, she knows it, can acknowledge on some level that she can be handling things differently, but doesn't. The portrait of Elaine told in the current timeline of the story isn't necessarily a likeable character. She is a curmudgeon who looks at everything with disdain and negativity. But as the full story of her childhood unfolds, the reader can gain an appreciation of how Elaine has become the person she is.
To me, one of the biggest impacts of this book was how much of it was related to the psychological. And I'm not talking about a psychological thriller, but in regards to the mental state of the characters, particularly Elaine and Cordelia. It is very clear that the bullying by the other girls affects Elaine for the rest of her life, and very much defines who she becomes, even though she represses many of the memories. A few times when talking with her mom about her childhood and her mom brings up how concerned she was for her in regards to her "friends", Elaine doesn't know what she's talking about. Her full memories of the abuse don't come to her until much later in life when going through mementos her mother has saved, which triggers it all. Elaine also hears voices, which specifically tell her to commit suicide. Elaine knows that it isn't real, but still acknowledges that she heard the voice speak, as plain as day. And the progression of Cordeila's character over time, from being a cruel bully to a shell of a person is almost the opposite progression of Elaine, but she experiences many of the same psychological issues (suicide attempt included).
The topic of religion also plays a significant role in the novel. Nearly all of Elaine's paintings are inspired by her childhood and many of them feature one of the 3 girls' mothers, Mrs. Smeath in scandalous and unflattering representations, often with religious themes. During the time when the girls were torturing Elaine, she was regularly going to church with Carol and her family, because her own family didn't go to church. And she seems to enjoy it, although she may not completely understand it. She learns all of the prayers and excels in the Sunday school lessons (although this is partly to try to please Carol and prevent more ostracizing). But one Sunday at Carol's house, she hears Mrs. Smeath and Carol's aunt talking about her and calling her a heathen, saying that it's because of her family, saying that the girls aren't being too hard on her, and that it serves her right and it's God's punishment. It's interesting that this moment becomes a significant pivot for her feelings on God and religion and so much of her hate going forward is fixated on Mrs. Smeath. While it is terrible that an adult would be complicit in what is being done to Elaine, I just found it a bit surprising that she doesn't fixate her anger (and subsequently her artwork) on the 3 girls who were actually abusing her. And many of Elaine's feelings about religion stem from this time.
One of the other critical aspects of the novel is that of feminism. This is really driven home a bit later in the novel when Elaine is establishing herself as a painter in roughly the mid to late 1960s (estimating from her age) and after she has her daughter. She attends meetings with small groups of women where they clearly are angry at the patriarchy and testify about all the ways that men keep them down. But Elaine is a reluctant participant in all of this, not just in the meetings, but of feminism all together. She never really feels like she identifies with women or sisterhood, but she seems to understand that she is a feminist, whether she's out on the front lines protesting or not.
There is really tons more that I could talk about with this novel. It was so rich and well-written. So much gorgeous imagery and lyrical writing. This is what modern novels should be. Certainly an inspiration that I will reflect on moving forward.
Next up, I'm going to take a quick pause from the lists to read When Breath Becomes Air by Paul Kalanitihi. I've had this book since almost when it came out earlier this year, but haven't read it yet. I have known the late Paul's wife, Lucy, since I was in elementary school. I was friends with Lucy and her twin Joanna all through elementary, middle, and high school. Paths diverged in college, and I can say that my relationship with the Goddard sisters is now mainly via Facebook. But I greatly admire Lucy's courage throughout the illness and death of her husband and her eloquence since then, sharing her and his story. I suspect I will read the book rather quickly...
Until next time. 231 to go.
The novel is about Elaine, a fairly well-regarded painter now in her late 40s (or maybe early 50s...I don't think it was ever specifically stated) who has come back to her hometown of Toronto for a gallery retrospective of her work. The story goes back and forth between Elaine's current time in Toronto preparing for the exhibition and her childhood in the 1940s, where she grew up with a father who was an entomologist and whose mother took care of her and her older brother, and who don't necessarily represent the typical 1940s family. Therefore, Elaine was a bit different than other children, spending summers in the Canadian wilderness for her father's insect studies.
The main stories Elaine recounts of her childhood around the age of ~10 years old were that of her "friendship" with 3 other girls: Grace, Carol, and Cordelia. The 3 girls, however, were responsible for significant emotional abuse of Elaine. They criticize her every move for not being correct or good enough (and I mean every single thing she says, does, wears, etc) and report back to each other to "punish" her, all the while assuring Elaine that it's because she is their friend and they want to help her. They even trap her in a grave-like hole in the ground. (I knowingly admit that I haven't done a remotely adequate job of explaining how terribly the 3 girls treated Elaine, but trust me, it wasn't just mundane poking fun). All of this results in Elaine becomes a shell of a person: she feigns sickness all the time, she faints on command, she picks at her cuticles and pulls off the skin on her feet so she can hardly walk, and she truly believes that she is worthless, as she is constantly told. And while all 3 girls are culpable, Cordelia is the one who is certainly the ring leader. The abuse comes to a head when Cordelia throws Elaine's hat into a ravine that the children are forbidden to go into, and when Elaine goes to retrieve her hat, falls into the river and nearly freezes to death.
This is a turning point for Elaine though, as she suddenly realizes that she doesn't have to do what Cordelia and the other girls tell her to and that there was never anything about herself that needed to be improved; that it was, in a way, a game to the girls. Long after, Elaine realizes that it was really Cordelia who was the one experiencing the loneliness, weakness, and fear that she subjected Elaine to, stemming in part from her own family issues, particularly with her father.
Elaine spends much of the rest of her life - her relationships, her college studies, her career - recovering from these events, and in many ways, she becomes the aggressor. She becomes Cordelia. Her life continues to intersect with Cordelia at multiple times during high school and after. Cordelia, who fails out of school, attempts suicide, and is institutionalized for mental problems. And Elaine is cruel to her, and acknowledges this, and knows that she has guilt and remorse for how she is treating Cordelia, but she can't retract it or even understand why she is doing it. Similarly with her first husband, she is cruel, she knows it, can acknowledge on some level that she can be handling things differently, but doesn't. The portrait of Elaine told in the current timeline of the story isn't necessarily a likeable character. She is a curmudgeon who looks at everything with disdain and negativity. But as the full story of her childhood unfolds, the reader can gain an appreciation of how Elaine has become the person she is.
To me, one of the biggest impacts of this book was how much of it was related to the psychological. And I'm not talking about a psychological thriller, but in regards to the mental state of the characters, particularly Elaine and Cordelia. It is very clear that the bullying by the other girls affects Elaine for the rest of her life, and very much defines who she becomes, even though she represses many of the memories. A few times when talking with her mom about her childhood and her mom brings up how concerned she was for her in regards to her "friends", Elaine doesn't know what she's talking about. Her full memories of the abuse don't come to her until much later in life when going through mementos her mother has saved, which triggers it all. Elaine also hears voices, which specifically tell her to commit suicide. Elaine knows that it isn't real, but still acknowledges that she heard the voice speak, as plain as day. And the progression of Cordeila's character over time, from being a cruel bully to a shell of a person is almost the opposite progression of Elaine, but she experiences many of the same psychological issues (suicide attempt included).
The topic of religion also plays a significant role in the novel. Nearly all of Elaine's paintings are inspired by her childhood and many of them feature one of the 3 girls' mothers, Mrs. Smeath in scandalous and unflattering representations, often with religious themes. During the time when the girls were torturing Elaine, she was regularly going to church with Carol and her family, because her own family didn't go to church. And she seems to enjoy it, although she may not completely understand it. She learns all of the prayers and excels in the Sunday school lessons (although this is partly to try to please Carol and prevent more ostracizing). But one Sunday at Carol's house, she hears Mrs. Smeath and Carol's aunt talking about her and calling her a heathen, saying that it's because of her family, saying that the girls aren't being too hard on her, and that it serves her right and it's God's punishment. It's interesting that this moment becomes a significant pivot for her feelings on God and religion and so much of her hate going forward is fixated on Mrs. Smeath. While it is terrible that an adult would be complicit in what is being done to Elaine, I just found it a bit surprising that she doesn't fixate her anger (and subsequently her artwork) on the 3 girls who were actually abusing her. And many of Elaine's feelings about religion stem from this time.
One of the other critical aspects of the novel is that of feminism. This is really driven home a bit later in the novel when Elaine is establishing herself as a painter in roughly the mid to late 1960s (estimating from her age) and after she has her daughter. She attends meetings with small groups of women where they clearly are angry at the patriarchy and testify about all the ways that men keep them down. But Elaine is a reluctant participant in all of this, not just in the meetings, but of feminism all together. She never really feels like she identifies with women or sisterhood, but she seems to understand that she is a feminist, whether she's out on the front lines protesting or not.
There is really tons more that I could talk about with this novel. It was so rich and well-written. So much gorgeous imagery and lyrical writing. This is what modern novels should be. Certainly an inspiration that I will reflect on moving forward.
Next up, I'm going to take a quick pause from the lists to read When Breath Becomes Air by Paul Kalanitihi. I've had this book since almost when it came out earlier this year, but haven't read it yet. I have known the late Paul's wife, Lucy, since I was in elementary school. I was friends with Lucy and her twin Joanna all through elementary, middle, and high school. Paths diverged in college, and I can say that my relationship with the Goddard sisters is now mainly via Facebook. But I greatly admire Lucy's courage throughout the illness and death of her husband and her eloquence since then, sharing her and his story. I suspect I will read the book rather quickly...
Until next time. 231 to go.
Sunday, December 4, 2016
"A Change Is As Good As Rest"
I quit my job just over a month ago; my last day was November 14th. My new employers initially wanted me to start on November 28th; however, I knew I was going to be out of town for a week and with Thanksgiving the week after, I wanted to have just 1 additional week before starting. So I suggested a start date of December 5th. Well, it turns out that December is a bad month at my new company to have new employees start due to workload and many folks being gone the latter half of the month with the holidays. So they suggested I start in January. So what I anticipated being a 3 week break before my new job has turned into a 7, possibly 8 week break. I was a little startled at first, but now that I've come around, holy shit ya'll, I have 8 mother truckin' weeks off bitches!!
I've never had this much time off...pretty much ever. There was a long span of time (about 9 months) right after I graduated from undergrad where I couldn't find a job and was unemployed. So I guess that's a longer period of time, but that was accompanied with so much defeat, anger, frustration, anxiety, and depression, that it's not like it really counted as "time off". Whereas this is legit, I-know-that-I'm-moving-on-to-something, ain't-got-shit-to-do, time off.
So have I spent this time hunkered down, ravaging through every book on my bookshelf that is on my to read list? Well, maybe only a little bit. But hey, I got a new bookshelf to put all of books on, so that's kind of sort of a little victory?
But seriously, I have been making good progress through Cat's Eye, and I am sure going to have a lot to say about this book. And even though it was written in the 1980s, there is such a relevance to many issues facing children today, I can't wait to wrap my thoughts around it all (and of course to see how the book finally pans out).
But I think once a get a few other things in order, then I'm really going to be able to enjoy more reading, and hopefully some productive writing as well. I'm sure that the next 4/5 weeks are going to fly by and this magical time of leisure will be nothing but a memory of fortunate circumstances giving me the gift of relaxation and free time. But believe me, I intend to make the absolute most of it!!
I've never had this much time off...pretty much ever. There was a long span of time (about 9 months) right after I graduated from undergrad where I couldn't find a job and was unemployed. So I guess that's a longer period of time, but that was accompanied with so much defeat, anger, frustration, anxiety, and depression, that it's not like it really counted as "time off". Whereas this is legit, I-know-that-I'm-moving-on-to-something, ain't-got-shit-to-do, time off.
So have I spent this time hunkered down, ravaging through every book on my bookshelf that is on my to read list? Well, maybe only a little bit. But hey, I got a new bookshelf to put all of books on, so that's kind of sort of a little victory?
But seriously, I have been making good progress through Cat's Eye, and I am sure going to have a lot to say about this book. And even though it was written in the 1980s, there is such a relevance to many issues facing children today, I can't wait to wrap my thoughts around it all (and of course to see how the book finally pans out).
But I think once a get a few other things in order, then I'm really going to be able to enjoy more reading, and hopefully some productive writing as well. I'm sure that the next 4/5 weeks are going to fly by and this magical time of leisure will be nothing but a memory of fortunate circumstances giving me the gift of relaxation and free time. But believe me, I intend to make the absolute most of it!!
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