"The Picture, Changed or Unchanged, Would be to Him the Visible Emblem of Conscience."

I honestly don't know how I didn't read The Picture of Dorian Gray sooner than at 43 years of age. I read The Importance of Being Earnest a few years back and just loved Wilde's style of writing, humor, and yes, everyone's favorite adjective to describe him, wit. But I guess I never looked into what the novel was about, the circumstances around Wilde and his life, and really didn't know much about it. Boy, do I wish I had read it sooner. 

It really felt as close to a perfect novel as I think I've ever read. The concept of a person's soul being encapsulated in a painting and then deteriorating as the human himself behaves in reprehensible ways, while his human form remains youthful, beautiful, and flawless, is so simple, but quite brilliant. And it wasn't just this basis that gave the book its strength, but how Wilde wove his insightful commentary on the human condition as it pertained to what Dorian was going through. Even though this commentary was often very egotistical, self-centered, lacking compassion for others, and vanity personified. There are countless passages I could have used for the quote in my heading, but here are just a few that I loved:

"Because to influence a person is to give him one's own soul. He does not think his natural thoughts, or burn with his natural passions. His virtues are not real to him. His sins, if there are such things as sins, are borrowed. He becomes an echo of some one else's music, an actor of a part that has not been written for him. The aim of life is self-development. To realize one's nature perfectly - that is what each of us is here for. People are afraid of themselves, nowadays. They have forgotten the highest of all duties, the duty that one owes to one's self."

"It is a sad thing to think of, but there is no doubt that Genius lasts longer than Beauty. That accounts for the fact that we all take such pains to over-educate ourselves. In the wild struggle for existence, we want to have something that endures, and so we fill our minds with rubbish and facts, in the silly hope of keeping our place. The thoroughly well-informed man 0 that is the modern ideal. And the mind of the thoroughly well-informed man is a dreadful thing."

"I never approve, or disapprove, or anything now. It is an absurd attitude to take towards life. We are not sent into the world to air our moral prejudices. I never take any notice of what common people say, and I never interfere with what charming people do."

"The worship of the senses has often, and with much justice, been decried, men feeling a natural instinct of terror about passions and sensations that seem stronger than themselves, and that they are conscious of sharing with the less highly organized forms of existence. But it appeared to Dorian Gray that the true nature of the senses had never been understood, and that they had remained savage and animal merely because the world had sought to starve them into submission or to kill them by pain, instead of aiming at making them elements of a new spirituality, of which a fine instinct for beauty was to be the dominant characteristic."

And that last passage really seems to speak to Wilde himself. It's quite sad reading this ~130 years later knowing that he served 2 years in prison/hard labor for "gross indecency" with men for being gay. And eventually died at a young age in abject poverty. 

I don't generally like to go back and re-read books. I'm a one and done kind of gal. I think the only books I've re-read were Beloved and The Bell Jar, which are both two of my favorites. I can absolutely see this being one I eventually read again as well. It was just so rich and like I said, felt like the perfect novel. I feel like I could admire and appreciate so much more on a second read, so we'll see if I one day get around to that. 

So while I close out 2022 with this book, I'm proud to say that I read 26 books this year, which is the most I've ever done (at least since I've been tracking). A key component to this which I recently embraced, are audiobooks. I've read a few this year, and at some point in the near future, I'll devote a post summarizing those that I've read (none from the book lists). But up next, I'll circle back around to Fear of Flying by Erica Jong. I started reading this book last summer, got about 3 pages in, and didn't want to continue. I think it was because I had just finished Portnoy's Complaint and had consumed plenty of vulgarity (and I'm definitely no square!!) and infidelity for a moment. But I think I'm ready to try again. Wish me luck. 

182 left. 

"Preventing Your Heart From Forgiving Someone You Love is Actually a Hell of a Lot Harder Than Simply Forgiving Them."

I took a quick sojourn from the book lists to read a popular author to see what the fuss was all about. So I read It Ends With Us by Colleen Hoover. For those of you who don't know, Colleen Hoover has all but dominated the fiction market in the last couple years, occupying most of the spaces on the NYT Bestsellers list for most of 2022. My sister is a big fan so I wanted to see how I felt about this hype. 

And lemme tell ya, it's been a minute since I've read a book that make me mad (probably since Go Set a Watchman, but for very very different reasons). From the jump, I despised the trope of the here's-the-super-goodlooking-neurosurgeon-who-doesn't-believe-in-love-but-she's-the-one-woman-he'll-change-all-of-that-for. Lily's (the main character) love interest, Ryle, was a toxic piece of shit right out of the gate. And it legit made me angry that he was written in a way to intentionally make (female) readers fall for this guy as a "charmer." Awww, he went knocking on 29 peoples' doors in the middle of the night because he just had to find her? So sweet! Wrong. Toxic AF. He was begging her to have sex with him because he couldn't stop thinking of her! He must be in love. Wrong. Toxic AF. 

And the way Lily's feelings for Ryle were written made me angry. There was no substance to them - she "just loved him" (uhhh, of course any woman from an abusive home who meets the gorgeous doctor who can't get enough of you and love-bombs the fuck out of you is going to believe that it's love). And when he became the abuser, every excuse was made for his behavior. It was an accident, I know he really loves me, I really love him, his brother accidentally shot himself so there's a reason for his repressed anger, etc etc etc. And it all felt like a manipulation of the reader. And while I appreciate that this is likely written to represent all of the excuses that women in abusive relationships use for staying, it felt reckless and irresponsible to be written in this manner. It felt like it had been set up for the reader to want to root more for the "love" this couple had for each other than to want her to leave. The only redemption of this book is that if fulfills the title and Lily does leave her marriage with her child to protect their daughter (sorry, spoiler alert). 

So if this is what Colleen Hoover is about, I think I'm good with stopping at just the one. Good for her for finding a niche that clearly is filling a need that many readers are enjoying, but it's just not for me. 

So it's back to the lists. Next up is The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde. Oddly enough, I have absolutely no idea what this book is about. So we'll find out!